The Total Lunar Eclipse Aftermath
Okay, so here’s the deal. For a few weeks leading up to the Eclipse, I was having repeated dreams of a time in my life where things went sour. I was 18 years old, on a full-ride athletic scholarship to UC Berkeley, fresh of a No. 2 World ranking as a youth Pole Vaulter…and I got injured. This injury took me out of the very sport that practically raised me. I grew sour, got depressed, and didn’t know how to seek the right kind of help. (Oh how I WISH I could go back in time and hold that fearful and anxious 18 year old and tell her to lighten up.) But anyway, it’s a huge part of my life that I can’t resolve, and it ended up taking my life in a completely different direction than I had envisioned for over a decade. It stripped my identity from me, I ruined relationships over it, and I was lost.
So these dreams were pretty telling that I still had some stickiness here to sort through, and some pain that needed to be felt. I committed to healing this stage of my life, and embarked on a 40 day Kundalini Meditation to help me work through this.
I had visions of finally looking back at this time without resentment, and not cringing every time is see the words CAL or UC Berkeley or Go Bears, or heck, even just seeing Gold and Blue. (Years ago, I had intentionally thrown out the Nike gear, Oakley sunnies, Team backpacks, and anything and everything that reminded me of this time.) But instead of newfound sensations of freedom, more and more…shall we say…crap….kept surfacing. I started having more anxiety. I was letting overwhelm get the best of me, and memories were flooding in from other times in my life where I was hurt, ashamed, confused, lost, negativistic…you name it. Couple that with the chaos of January and way to many to-dos…I lost my way. I started taking out my anxiety on my daughter, procrastinating because I couldn’t focus (or was scared to, idk..) and scrolled way too much into not-enoughness-land on Insta. (Remember last month, when I talked about how amazing it was to be OFF insta?)
I’m been practicing this healing meditation for 16 days now, and it has definitely shaken things up. I had plans to share this meditation with you, but I’ve decided I need to give it the full 40 days to experience the whole process first. I won’t leave you to the wolves! So instead, here is a much gentler meditation for you to do to help heal different wounds that have surfaced over your lifetime. I call it the Matryoskha Doll meditation, you know, those are those Russian nesting dolls. (Since I’m Russian, I can’t help myself).