I was called out at work for mom life
I was neck deep in summer with the kids.
Our part-time nanny was on a six week break.
I had a growing pile of work to do.
Just two weeks prior, on the new moon, I hit a state of complete overwhelm and cried to my husband. I just couldn’t keep up. I felt like my head was constantly bobbing with just enough balance between water and air for me to catch my breath.
I know how I got to this place. I freaking overdid it (my tendancy)….again.
After I finished planting the coffee orchards in May, I had felt my hypothyroid symptoms coming back on from a sustained period of overdoing it. My hands and feet felt icy, my brain fog was creeping in, and my state of over-alertness at all times was taking over my body. This led to more raised voices, yelling at the kids, and being so frozen in my state of overwhelm I couldn’t experience pleasure or joy the way I know I am capable.
I needed a deep rest, a reset. Yet could not break away with lack of childcare and a ridiculous workload. It sucked.
Partway through this summer of crazy, I felt frustration coming from my work colleague. We had a great working relationship just weeks prior, when I had made myself available to work 24/7. Now, I had been trying so desperately to keep up with the bare minimum in my work, and all my attempts at managing from a far or communicating were falling on deaf ears. My frustrations were growing with each read, yet unresponded, text or email.
Then one day, my automated systems alerted me to a possibly huge dilemma on the ranch. I was at home with the kids, and my older one had a fever of 104+. I had to cancel the sitter I was relying on to get to work and be present, fully present. Except that I was catching wind of a work emergency and couldn’t sneak away for the 45 minute commute.
Eventually I called my hubby and said ‘you’ve gotta come home. I have to get to work.”
When he finally did, and I took off to the ranch. After the potential 911 was resolved, I confronted my colleague about the lack of communication and my own frustrations. I let him know I could sense his frustration with me, and I wanted to work on working better together. I could tell he was relieved at my question.
You want to know what it all came down to? Why he was holding a mad grudge against me?
“Well, you’re not here enough to do your job. I don’t see how you can do your job and not be here more. You come, you say you can only be here from this time to that. It’s not enough.”
YEEEE-OUCH. As I stood there, taking on this critique, I couldn’t help but think how crazy it was that I work to empower mothers, I work to challenge the status quo about being a working mom, and yet here I was being called out in my own workplace by a colleague I’ve worked with for 6 years.
Girl. You know I am a true hustler. But I have to be honest, Had this conversation happened a few years ago, I would have begun to cry right there in the meeting with a 50-some year old man. I would have cried from the overwhelm, the exhaustion, the pressure I put on my self to be everything for everyone at all times.
But, I didn’t cry. I stood there, actively listening to the criticism. Agreeing that hey - yeah, I wish I could be here more too. I responded respectfully and backed myself up on wrongful accusations about my work, my availability. I held my ground, and I had to be OK with who I am exactly now, in this moment. I felt EMBODIED in my truth as a working mother. I had to OWN MY REALITY. I had to go back to being 100% OKAY with who I am and all of her ebbs and flows.
I’m sharing this with you because, as we come closer to alignment in our lives, it’s easier to deal with the inherent blows that come our way. When truly know ourselves, we can stand in uncomfortable situations, let the critiques and judgements roll off our shoulders and not be triggered. We can save the guilt of not being enough and instead, own our unique motherhood experience.
On this random Tuesday, I offer you the courage to stand on your own but the awareness that we are all in this together. We are working as a collective to own our truths in motherhood and be 100% okay with where we are, no matter what shit gets thrown our way.
Nothing but love for you. Together we rise
PS. I’m so thrilled with the women coming together to join the Group Program. I have four spots remaining in More Energy Mama for September.