Conscious Self-love, Doing the "Work" and How to Snap out of a Funk
The Mama Museletter
Happy Aquarian Season, Mama
As I write this email, I’ve just woken up to my own internal clock at 8 am on a Saturday, with an ocean view. The house is quiet, the sleeping beach town is slowly waking up, and I’m sitting in bed, waiting for coffee to brew and writing to you in peace. In case you didn’t sense this, I am AWAY from my kids. I am away from home, and I am getting some much needed s-p-a-c-e to regroup, recharge, and honestly, get work done. This is the first time I have escaped my house solo since last summer for the National Decathlon Championships. Last June, I had to pack up all the kids and myself , and all my track and field gear for 10 events to haul everything to grandma’s house. This time, I packed a grocery bag of personal development books, my laptop, and very few personal items. It feels so freeing. But the energy of the New Year hasn’t been like this for me over the last few weeks. It took a massive breakdown last weekend for me to finally, with conviction, tell my hubby I needed to get the F outta there so I could grab a fresh perspective of my very blessed and beautiful yet seemingly monotonous mom life. Can you relate?
So how’s it been for you in the New Year? I have felt some pretty chaotic energy over the last month, and it feels like a got hit in the head by the aftermath of the Total Lunar Eclipse on January 20th. Work had piled up over the Holiday, I started my monthly Moon circle, Tax Season is upon us (And I admittedly didn’t keep up with Quickbooks AT ALL in 2018…), financial aid applications are due for school, and the energy is busy and buzzing.
There was a bombardment of “New Year New You” messages harassing my social media feeds, email inboxes, and TV commercials. And at a time of year where we are energetically still supposed to be staying inward and cultivating energy for the Spring, our very Western culture didn’t get that memo.
So what happened? Girl, I crashed. I became the person I had healed myself from. I started yelling more at my (ahem, very spirited) five year old, I drank too much caffeine, became a champion procrastinator, and I let overwhelm get to me. Seriously. WTF. I know better. But here’s where you get to benefit…I’m letting you in on how I dial myself back in after hitting burnout and losing my way. The good news is? My recent "funk” only last a day, compared to the months, I had endured before.
But first, here’s what else to expect in this new moon’s Museletter. I’m sharing my family’s favorite go-to sweet tooth remedy snack, a simple healing meditation for you to work with the continuing aftermath of the Lunar Eclipse (six more months, ya hear?!) and how I personally pull myself out of a funk. I’ve also got a fun Free quiz up on the website. I hope you enjoy this month’s musings, which as usual, I’m writing during my monthly bleed. It’s about to get real.
The Total Lunar Eclipse Aftermath
Okay, so here’s the deal. For a few weeks leading up to the Eclipse, I was having repeated dreams of a time in my life where things went sour. I was 18 years old, on a full-ride athletic scholarship to UC Berkeley, fresh of a No. 2 World ranking as a youth Pole Vaulter…and I got injured. This injury took me out of the very sport that practically raised me. I grew sour, got depressed, and didn’t know how to seek the right kind of help. (Oh how I WISH I could go back in time and hold that fearful and anxious 18 year old and tell her to lighten up.) But anyway, it’s a huge part of my life that I can’t resolve, and it ended up taking my life in a completely different direction than I had envisioned for over a decade. It stripped my identity from me, I ruined relationships over it, and I was lost.
So these dreams were pretty telling that I still had some stickiness here to sort through, and some pain that needed to be felt. I committed to healing this stage of my life, and embarked on a 40 day Kundalini Meditation to help me work through this.
I had visions of finally looking back at this time without resentment, and not cringing every time is see the words CAL or UC Berkeley or Go Bears, or heck, even just seeing Gold and Blue. (Years ago, I had intentionally thrown out the Nike gear, Oakley sunnies, Team backpacks, and anything and everything that reminded me of this time.) But instead of newfound sensations of freedom, more and more…shall we say…crap….kept surfacing. I started having more anxiety. I was letting overwhelm get the best of me, and memories were flooding in from other times in my life where I was hurt, ashamed, confused, lost, negativistic…you name it. Couple that with the chaos of January and way to many to-dos…I lost my way. I started taking out my anxiety on my daughter, procrastinating because I couldn’t focus (or was scared to, idk..) and scrolled way too much into not-enoughness-land on Insta. (Remember last month, when I talked about how amazing it was to be OFF insta?)
I’m been practicing this healing meditation for 16 days now, and it has definitely shaken things up. I had plans to share this meditation with you, but I’ve decided I need to give it the full 40 days to experience the whole process first. I won’t leave you to the wolves! So instead, here is a much gentler meditation for you to do to help heal different wounds that have surfaced over your lifetime. I call it the Matryoskha Doll meditation, you know, those are those Russian nesting dolls. (Since I’m Russian, I can’t help myself).
Doing the work: Creating compassion for contrast
Before starting the meditation, grab a journal and pen. Ask yourself the following questions:
“Where in my life do I feel unresolved hurt, pain, or resentment?
Are there moments I felt shame or embarrassment?
Do I have any regrets? If so, what are they?
When did I take on any limiting beliefs and start believing the lies that I was less-than f*cking amazing?
For me, when I was doing the Ra Ma Da Sa meditation, more memories of hurt and shame and embarrassment, or even just feeling like I really had to stand up for myself, started flooding in that I had washed over and forgotten about.
There was the time in 3rd grade, where I was too scared to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom during class, and ended up peeing my pants. (She had a strict, no going to the bathroom rule.) I marched into the laundry room fresh off the school bus, a mere 4 hours later, peeled off pee-soaked turquoise shorts and put them in the hamper. How sad! I remember being so ashamed I didn’t even tell my parents until I was 30!
Then there was the time in 5th grade at Christian School, where the teachers adamantly expressed to me and my parents that I had received good grades in Bible class because I tried harder than other kids, but I certainly wasn’t smarter. WTF. We transferred schools mid-school year.
My junior year in high school, the track coach called my dad and told him he needed to start preparing me for marriage, and that my track days were fun and all but my papa bear needed to reign me in and start making me act like a lady. It wasn’t fair to the boys that I was better than them. (Pretty sure my dad turned beet red with anger at this boundary-crossing Bible thumper.)
I’ve had male coaches chew me out for breaking national records as a 17 year old pole vaulter because some how, I embarrassed their 50 some year old selves in my physical feats and accomplishments. Sure dude.
I launched several years of an unhealthy food relationship in college after a coach told me to “lose 20 pounds by August 15th,” which was, by the way, 10 weeks away. For the record, I did lose that weight, and a whole lot of self-confidence and autonomy with it.
My track career was shattered when I told my coach my shoulder was going to go if I did one more handstand push up after a week of 3-a-day practices, and he looked at me and said, “You don’t know what it’s like to work hard.” I was out to show him I did, and my shoulder…yeah, it went. And it took out my career, and stripped my identity.
I could go on and on, but you get the point. There are so many subconscious times in our lives where we were left wounded, in flight mode, felt shame or resentment, or just plain forgot the essence of who we were and started believing lies others told us or we picked up on ourselves.
Jot all these down for past self. I recommend starting with the most recent events and going back in time each year of your life to remember anything significant. I start with now, and healing any insecurities or wounds I have from feeling inadequate as a mother, or not doing my marriage justice, and not being able to keep up with life in general.
And also, be easy on yourself, this process is meant to activate your compassion towards yourself and all previous versions of you. According to Abraham-Hicks, life brings you contrast in the form of experience so you can choose and consciously create your life. In other words, everything is happening for you, not to you, so see each of these memories as an opportunity to create from and not a burden that you’ve taken on.
The Matryoshka Doll Meditation
Now that you have so bravely stirred up memories past, it’s time to meditate on a mission.
Lie down in savasana or find a comfortable seated position. If seated, make sure your knees can rest below the hips and you’re not straining to sit up straight. You can place a few cushions or a yoga block underneath your booty to prop you up.
Keep your list nearby for reference. Close your eyes. Begin by taking in deep breaths and turning your attention inward. Steady the breath by breathing in for 5 counts, and exhaling for 5 counts. Repeat until you feel calm and centered.
Now, see a disc of radiant golden light floating above your head, at the crown chakra. See this disc opening up wider and wider, and beginning to pour waterfalls of light over your head.
Envision that light healing you now. Any pain or suffering you are currently experiencing, and confusion or doubt, any limiting beliefs.
Feel the warmth of this healing light encapsulate your entire physical body as you see yourself held in a cocoon of compassion.
Now, begin to bring your inner awareness to each time in your life you were made aware of in the journaling exercise. Visualize each contrasting experience as a layer of YOU just beneath the surface of you skin. Bring the cocoon of light inward to this memory, and again, feel the warmth surround you.
Continue this visualization for each memory, moving backwards in time as you see layers and layers of light drawing inward into your heart center.
Like a Matryoshka doll, you’ll sense you, as a precious, sovereign baby, at the center of the light layers.
See your sovereign baby-self, basking in love, compassion, and delight for this physical life. This is the true you, the You that came into this world knowing.
Meditate on this joy of this blissful baby for as long as you like.
Close this meditation with hands at heart center in namaste, honoring yourself for doing this great work, and honoring your souls path on earth.
How I pulled my self out of a funk - Ten Steps to Getting Back into Flow
I let myself cry.
I continued my spiritual practices and showing up for the healing meditation.
I allowed the uncomfortableness, and even leaned into it.
I got curious about why I was feeling so poorly, why I was being so reactive and resistant, and why old memories were flooding in.
I went on a solo hike in nature to clear my head
I revised my personal boundaries, and realized I had let them get crossed.
I decided not to care if I was disappointing other people because I cancelled my obligations.
I revisted my non-negotiables - what I need in order to feel good and do my work in this life with ease and grace.
I made selfish appointments for Energy Healing for the next 3 months to hold myself accountable to ME.
I changed my outlook but transforming my thoughts from negative to positive.
Family Fave Recipe: Cashew Date Balls
Last month, I was rushing through the local grocer on low fuel. I reached for a perfectly package snack: Cashew Cinnamon Date Balls. They were price $3.99 and include 4 little marble-sized raw cookies. I ate two, and saved the last two for Hazel as an after-ballet snack.
“Mom! These are sooooooo good! Can you make these?”
I check out the ingredients, and I kid you not, only 3. “Sure!” I respond. Sounds feasible.
I made them once at home before deciding to make them for Hazel’s birthday celebration at school. A sugarless, gluten-free, dairy free, and dare I say, healthy, snack. When I picked her up from school later that day, the teachers were raving about the date balls and asking for the recipe. Apparently 22 of the 24 students devoured them and thought they were chocolate. (Give ‘em a break, they are in preschool!)
So here it is. The recipe. I think I make these twice a week, if not more, and my children are constantly begging for them. Hazel gets one in her lunch as a sweet treat, after school, and after dinner. Magnolia, not even two years old, has adopted “date ball!” as one of her go-to phrases. They are amazing!
1.5 cups raw cashews (hint: Buy the cashew pieces at Trader Joes to save some $)
1 cup pitted Medjool or Deglet Noor dates (Costco has your back here)
2 tsp Ground Cinnamon
To begin, process the cashews in a food processor with S Blade attached.
Form a nice, loose powder, about 2 minutes.
(Stop processor before it starts to break oils and form a cashew butter)
Next, add the pitted dates one by one as the processor is in motion. It’s important to do this steadily, and not all at once, or the dates won’t break apart to ultimate satisfaction
About half-way through adding the dates, add the cinnamon. You may choose to switch the food processor on “Pulse” mode to more effectively mix in the dates.
Keep adding dates, and processing. If the mix starts to clump up, turn off processor and break up clumps with a spatula or spoon.
Continue pulsing, and breaking up clumps, until all dates are processed and a sticky ball of raw cookie goodness forms
When the mix is finished, remove S-blade for safety purposes and form large marble-sized balls with the mix.
Refrigerate in an air-tight container, and store up to 5 days in the fridge. (No worries here, because they won’t last that long!)
It’s been real, mama. I hope you find some grace within the chaotic buzzing energy of the New Year, and embrace compassion for yourself, your past self, and all the contrast that brought you to where you are today.
It is truly my soul’s purpose to empower mothers to Flourish in the own unique flow of motherhood. I’d love to hear from you - Hit reply and let me know how you are really doing. Got questions? Send them my way and I’ll answer them in a Live or in the next Museletter.
Until next time,